03 Aug A Letter to My Anxiety
I am massively resentful towards you for the constant strain you put on my daily life.
You take over my simplest, most innocent thoughts and turn them into negative experiences. You then proceed to attack every part of my body from my head down to my toes; you send chills down my spine and sweat down my face. You prevent me from enjoying the moment, as you have coerced me to think about every, single, potential discrepancy that could arise from every situation.
Frankly, I am disgusted by your invasion of my life; I am disgusted by your smugness as you revel in your victory and make me feel less-than capable of handling my own life.
You seem to have a grip on me so tight that no matter how adeptly I attempt to evade your presence, combat your harsh words, and desensitize your effect on my person, I always manage to come back to you. How are you capable of making me feel so comfortable yet so extremely uncomfortable and ashamed at the same time?
You twist my thoughts in such a way that I feel responsible for their entrance into my consciousness. You use past experiences, which should be learning lessons with a positive interpretation, as weapons to torture me to the point of submission.
The foulest aspect of your presence in my life is that I continue to submit.
I believed myself to be a fighter, a courageous person with the potential to fly, an independent contributor to the life that exists in front of me. But everywhere I go, you seem to follow. You make me your peacemaker; you make me weak; you make me co-dependent with not only your presence but with those individuals who you choose to include in my anxiety. You have made me into everything that I despise, and I know this is precisely what you want for me.
You have taken the person that I am and masked me in this dark, dark shade of defeat. You have prevented me from living my life as it was meant to be: happy, joyous, and free.
You have prevented me from developing relationships with those around me, for fear of rejection and inadequacy.
But, you know what? You’ve actually helped me.
You have put me through so much pain and suffering from fabricated realities, that at this moment, I believe there is nothing in my reality that I could not handle…
You have broken my heart, broken my loved one’s heart and left me with the guilt, you have killed me and brought me to your dark afterlife, you have harmed my loved ones and left me with emptiness, you have made me harm others with malicious intent, you have made me feel loneliness, you have made me feel as if death was my only option.
In all that you have done to me, you have made me stronger. You have actually made me a fighter, a courageous human, and an independent contributor to life.
Revel in your defeat and your self-pity. Revel in it.
Let this be my declaration of cessation. No longer do I need you to make me feel comfortable. No longer do I need you to accompany me on this journey of life. I don’t need you; I have experienced the joy of life and though you claim to be omnipresent, you weren’t there.
I ask Thich Nhat Hanh to assist me in articulating my sentiments towards you:
“Fear keeps us focused on the past or worried about the future. If we can acknowledge our fear, we can realize that right now we are okay. Right now, today, we are still alive, and our bodies are working marvelously. Our eyes can still see the beautiful sky. Our ears can still hear the voices of our loved ones.”
I am still alive, today.
My body is working marvelously.
My eyes can still see the beautiful sky.
My ears can still hear the voices of my loved ones.
Though you have forcefully integrated yourself into all aspects of my life for as long as I can remember, you have really taken nothing from me. You have prepared me for this moment… This declaration of cessation.
So, you know what? Thank you. Thank you for giving me strength when in another circumstance, I would have been frightened. Thank you for giving me an appreciation of ‘the moment’ when in another circumstance, the joy would have been fleeting.
Thank you for contributing to my life for the time that you have, but I will no longer let you maintain control. It is time for me to take the reins and direct my emotions, my thoughts, and my spirit as I see fit.
I have been authorized to remove all persons or things from my life that do not lift my spirit to the heavens; you, my old friend, do not lift my spirits to the heavens. Though we have experienced much of my life together, I no longer believe that I am worthy of harsh treatment, disrespect, and negativity.
I do not regret our disturbed companionship, but it no longer suits me.
Good luck in your endeavors.